I’ve been trying to figure out a way to start writing on here again. How to say what I want to say, put it behind me and continue sharing my usual nonsense with you. We’re almost a full month into 2018 and it’s been a while since I’ve put any time in here. To be honest I’ve barely checked in on the blog since the summer. I’d like to share why.
2017 was a roller coaster of a year for me. It was challenging and emotional. Trips were kept to a minimum and both my fella and I stayed close to home. The main reason being was Q. His journey into his senior years was becoming, more and more, a difficult one. He was slowly losing his battle with degenerative myelopathy. But taking it like a champ. I suppose the last thing I really shared here about him was our battle with a maggot infestation. (you can read about that here).
After the infestation was handled we continued on, business as usual. Q had a big day approaching. His 15th birthday. And as much as it pained me to accept it I knew in my heart it was to be his last one. You see I was there the day Q came into this world. His mom was my best friends dog and I happened to be there for the birth of the litter. They were the cutest bunch of squirmy fur balls. Many weeks later Loni had managed to get rid off all the puppies but the one she intended to keep and another. He was suppose to be picked up the following day by his new forever family. They never came. And so I was talked into taking this puppy I never had any intention of owning.
I didn’t realize it then. That I was beginning what was going to be one of my most treasured relationships. I had no idea the impact this small creature was about to have on the next 15 years of my life. How he would make me a better person. Support me through the difficult and the joyful. He would give me a reason to get out of bed. Give me reasons to smile. Teach me patience. Give me wisdom. He would guide me when I couldn’t see and speak to me with silence. He became a part of me. I had no idea. But why would I, I was 17.
So with what I knew to be his last birthday approaching I wanted to do something for him that I had thought of doing for years. I wanted to throw him a birthday party. The silliest, cheesiest “dog party” that anyone had ever been to. And boy did I. I made dog themed snacks with ‘punny’ names such as ‘pup corn’ and ‘ruffage’. I cut up meats and cheeses into bone shapes and made blue coloured jello shots, ‘toilet water shots’. I invited all my friends and encouraged them all to bring their dogs to the party.
Now Q wasn’t at his best leading up to this party. I had vowed to myself that he would see this birthday but I felt that his days were quite limited after. So the day arrived and tons of people came. The dogs all played, the food was eaten (even by those four legged friends who weren’t suppose to help themselves). And Q had the greatest of days. I don’t know if I’ve ever seen a dog smile so big as he did that day. We got a propane fire going and hung out in the yard till the early mornings of the next day. Who knew the guy could still party so hard!
That day seemed to renew Q’s zest for life. He had pep in his steps and an alertness to his face. I welcomed this slight reversal in his condition gladly and we continued on. But the disease had taken hold and is not one that can be cured or reversed. There was still messes to clean up, struggles to stand and walk, and overall frustration painting his face. The constant care that Q was requiring was taking a toll. I would try my best to hide my sadness and frustration from him. Would plead with the universe to make him better. And reluctantly request that if he couldn’t be made better at least let him go peacefully on his own…
Then I found out I was pregnant. What an exciting adventure we were beginning! A new, unexpected future began dancing around my head. How were we going to pay for university?!? Things started to be thought about and discussed. Where will baby sleep? How will we all squish into this little home together? How will we transport a baby around in our current vehicles that won’t take car seats? Life was changing. And this was just the beginning of it.
But every day Q had to be checked for messes. Baby on the way or not he still needed a hand getting up and standing. Fed homemade chicken, veggies and rice as he had no use for dog food anymore. I wonder if he could taste still? Some days the chicken meals weren’t even that appealing to him. I would spend my drives to and from work playing out how his last day was going to be. His last weekend. It was coming. I knew this. I kept sending wishes to the sky that we’d check on him and find that he’d passed, quietly in his sleep. But I think he loved us too much to do that. He didn’t want to fail at his job and leave us unprotected, companionless. So he woke up every day to take care of me.
I knew it would have to be my love for him that sets him free. Life was getting harder and the looks of frustration he was giving me were becoming too frequent. So we picked a day. We had pre arranged with our vet to have him put down at our house in our yard where he was happiest. Curtis and I had already booked flights to go to the Caribbean to see his family and tell them the news of our coming babe. We knew they would be ecstatic. But I couldn’t help but feel like I’d put a time limit on Q’s life. A date he had to be gone by. I knew it wasn’t realistic to think that way but I couldn’t help it. We had a plane to catch and Q couldn’t be alive when we did.
The days leading up to “the day” I stayed home and planned chores in the yard. Hanging out with me while I gardened or built something in the yard was one of Q’s favourite things to do. So we put together a new chicken coop and made an insulated chicken waterer to ensure the girls would be warm and watered should the weather get cold while my fella and I were gone. Q stayed close and supervised as usual. There was a moment when I was looking at him and he wagged his tail. I realized I couldn’t remember the last time I saw his tail wag…
Then the day came. I knew he was ready to go. Had seen it on his face too many times over the past days. I knew we were doing the right thing. This wasn’t a surprise. It didn’t sneak up on me. I had months to think about this day and prepare. We had his euthanasia scheduled for early afternoon. About an hour before the vet was due to arrive Curtis and I went to the local pub and got a Yorkshire pudding dinner to go.
Back home we presented the last meal to my best friend. He was pretty impressed to say the least. He laid in the grass and ate while we stroked his body. And when the vet arrived he tried to stand to greet them. The vet assistant was quick to rush to him so he didn’t have to get up. I regret that to this moment. He should’ve been given the opportunity to have one last walk.
They got to work quickly. I was told where to kneel with him and Curtis was close by. Neither of us realized what the process was and it was a lot faster then we anticipated. If I can offer any advice here it would be to get the entire process explained to you before it even begins. I regret that part too. Before I knew it he was gone. His last breath rushing out of him as his body fell limp.
The vet discreetly left and Curtis and I were left to tend to the body of my boy. We buried Q in an above ground grave using wooden crate sides to place him inside of and fill with dirt. I made a simple head stone and there he shall lay for a couple of years. I do eventually plan to dig up his bones as I would like to keep his skull. I know that a lot of people think that is “morbid” or strange. But I don’t see how it’s any stranger then keeping the ashes of a loved one. Which many people do.
And so began my life as a newly pregnant, dogless person. To be honest the struggle with depression was hard. Plain and simple. I wasn’t coping well. I had no regrets for what we had done. But I would’ve given anything to bring Q back as his young healthy self. I felt broken and alone. I was upset even further by my inability to feel happiness and excitement about the baby growing inside me. I got angry at Curtis and as our flight to the Caribbean approached we fought more and I wanted him to go without me. I wanted to be alone in my sorrow without anyone telling me how I should feel or think.
I got on the plane. And although I carried the pain of my loss around with me like a stone in my pocket I had a wonderful time away with family. In hindsight I believe that trip away kept me from spiraling into a sadness that could’ve been difficult to crawl out of. I was able to grieve without the loss constantly in my face.
While away I felt the baby move inside me for the first time. Just a slight flutter. I suddenly felt a much stronger connection to the creature I was growing in my womb. There was real life in there. Not just information my urine on a stick had given me. That unexpected future began dancing around my mind again and I started to look forward to going home. To begin to build this new life my fella and I have began.
And here we are. I still miss Q terribly and take the moments I need to feel sad for my loss. But the old saying ‘time heals all wounds’ plays true. Every day is a bit easier. I’m glad he’s not far. I can visit him in the yard and chat to him when I like. There are many things I wish I could change. I wish his final years had been easier. I wish I had not had to make such a difficult choice. I wish there was a way to prepare for the loss. I wish I had him back. But I cherish every memory we made together. I’m grateful for the lessons learned and experiences shared. I can accept that I have to keep going forward while he will remain in memories. Wonderful, beautiful, hilarious, happy and sad memories.
I hope your Christmas and New Years was great and that you had lots of time to spend with your friends and family. Despite the hole left with Q’s absence, the anticipation of Christmas’ to come, with the magic that only children can create, made for cheer to shine through. As my belly continues to grow and the abuse that the little is giving me from within strengthens I know it’s ok to be happy. That loss is a part of life and sacrificing happiness for sadness at the time of the loss is no sacrifice at all, when compared to the happiness of the past.
I look forward to sharing this adventure I’ve embarked on with you. I have many plans for many things to come and will bring you along for the ride! So cheers to friends and family, to new life and loss, to ends and beginnings. xx